Fake....

I came to a realization tonight....One that's always been there, I've just never admitted it...

I'm a fake.

Tonight, God asked me to give everything over to Him. And instantly, I thought of what was most important to me. Surprisingly, God was not on that list. (Perhaps because I was thinking of what God might take from me, and obviously God can't take God. Maybe this touches on a deeper issue of taking God for granted because He is always there.)

Anyhow, after going over this list of important things, I decided, for whatever reason, that I didn't want to surrender certain things to God. God called me out on it and said, "Hey, what happens if I want this from you?"

I said "No, I just don't think I can do that"

I spent the rest of an awesome worship set pouting and arguing with God about my level of commitment. I questioned my faith...a lot.

What if God isn't really enough for me?

What if I don't want to live a life of sacrifice?

What if I'm not content in surrendering everything to God?

So here's the really big issue. I preach and teach everyone that God is sufficient. That we should abandon all for God's work. That God isn't at the top of our priority list, but that He is the list.

But I can't do it....I'm a fake....

The Best Thirty Minutes

After a rather tiring but wonderful morning, I decided to take an equally wonderful nap. Nothing new or exciting for me. But I had a glorious glimpse of inexpressible joy. The sort of joy that can only be felt in the presence of the Father.

After ignoring my alarm clock (by ignore I mean strike multiple times) I fell back asleep for like 30 extra minutes...what a great half hour though.

Now, I recognize that none of this is Biblical, but it did get me thinking and has lit me on fire with this awesome joy that I can't contain. I would give anything to feel the joy that I had felt during this half hour.

So here's what I experienced in a dream...

After going through some crazy struggles and misadventures (at one point I remember telling my two comrades to just hold on and have faith that we'll get there) we finally got there. The funny part is that we didn't even know where or what "there" was...we just felt like we needed to get there.

So after some sort of odd transformation process that resembles a Pirates of the Caribbean movie, we're hanging out in a lounge/kitchen with a bunch of people that I don't know, (I think one was the violinist from Dave Matthews Band...haha) and eating brownies. Everyone is super excited to see me and each recalls points of my journey which they watched me very closely. We share laughs over the times I took the hard way or thought I had a short cut, but turned out wrong.

Then it dawned on me.

I was in heaven.

Right about that moment I saw Him.

Christ.

He was just cooking something in the back, quietly chatting with someone when I saw Him. Initially I froze...then realized that I should worship Him. After falling on my face, instead of worshiping Him because I felt like I should, I worshipped Him because I was compelled to.

I wailed and screamed, begging for forgiveness and completely awestruck by His presence. I truly worshipped Him with everything, unashamed. My joy was unlike anything I had ever felt in my entire life. I can honestly say that I've never felt this much joy before, and just writing this is bringing a smile to my face.

I received a glimpse of what I believe to be heaven. Everyone loving on each other. Christ is just shooting the breeze with whoever. Joy. In it's purist form, Joy. This is what God intended for His creation, and this is our end.

I can't wait.

Reasonable Obedience

Have you ever stopped to ask yourself why you obey (or at least try to) God?...Here's a list of the correct answers:

1) Because I love God.
2) Because I serve God.
3) Because I am pursuing God with all my heart.

Those are all awesome reasons, and I hope/pray that you all can honestly say that. Here's a list of my honest answers.

1) I don't want to get in trouble, or punished.
2) If I do obey God, maybe He'll make things go my way.

Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason you try to do what God wants is just to get on His "good side?" Perhaps the only reason you are a Christian is because you don't want to end up burning for the rest of eternity.

Either way, I feel like I'm not a Christian for the right reason. I was raised in this belief system, and it makes the most sense to me, but is that enough? Don't get me wrong, I'm not questioning the existence of my faith, but rather the authenticity and reasoning behind it.

Sorry about a blog entry all about me. Hopefully someone out there (if anyone reads this...haha) will be able to relate. If so, my only advice is to keep searching. Keep asking. Keep the faith...but check your reasons.

God Is Ministry

As many of you know, because it's all I've been talking about recently, my friend J.R. Wydra and I have finally gotten the podcast project off the ground (www.elevator-music.tumblr.com). It took a lot of work to get it where it is though.

A lot.

Possibly too much, at least for me. Last night, around 9:00, I realized that all I had done besides working/sleeping/eating, was work on this podcast for the past 48 hours. Even at work we discussed different things regarding the process.

Obsession.

I took some time last night to swap the keyboard and mouse for a guitar and pick, and started worshiping. It felt great. But it reminded me of something.

Often, we can get so wrapped up in the planning and administering of ministry, that we make the ministry the god. We begin to concern ourselves with the ministry more than the God we are doing it for.

God always comes before ministry.

Reading through the Pentateuch, there are a lot of long passages regarding rules and regulations for worship, cleansing, and "ministry" things. Scattered throughout these passages is one recurring phrase. The same phrase throughout the entire Pentateuch.

"I am the LORD your God."

When God was setting up the rules and guidelines for ministry, He constantly reminded us that He is still Lord. Probably because Israel had a problem with idols. This might be a stretch, but maybe He said that so often to remind the priests who would constantly study these scriptures, rituals, and ceremonies that He is God.

Despite the insane amount of work the priests and people had to do for ministry, God is still Lord of all.

Whether the ministry is a small little podcast or a global evangelism project, God is still bigger. He is still more important.

God is ministry.

Stalker Jesus

Picture this: An middle aged man, maybe late 40's, on a motorcycle (not a Harley, but a more "old man" type bike). Jeans, sandals, and sunglasses. Short hair with a goatee. Picture a pastor in casual wear.

This is what I saw while I was waiting at a stop light the other day. He turns one way, I go the other, never to see each other again.

Or so I thought.

About five minutes later, I see him at another intersection, coming from a different direction. I don't understand how he possibly could have been where he was, because not only did he get there before me, but he turned south at the first intersection and was on the north side of the second one. It's like he was following me. I thought I might have been under some sort of secret surveillance. But I'm not sure how he did it.

Now, I'm not claiming that this man was some miracle worker or anything supernatural, but it did remind me of something.

I began to picture Jesus as a guy who tails us like they do in spy movies. He's just a casual, everyday guy, wearing sunglasses, and secretly following us wherever we go. Some people know He's following them, but choose to ignore Him. Some people invite Him to come join them as opposed to keeping Him in the shadows.

Still, there are other people who don't even realize that He's following them. He secretly and patiently cares for us and watches over us. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. When somebody holds us at gunpoint for our iPods and wallets, He comes flying out Chuck Norris style and delivers a sandal-shaped bruise to their face.

He'll even take the bullet for us.

Despite our level of interaction with Him, Jesus is there. We can ignore Him all we want, and He'd still keep watch over us. We could reject Him seventy seven times, and He would still shower love upon us.

I thanked God for that man on a motorcycle, because it made me realize that God is always with me. When I'm conscious of it. When I'm unaware of it. Even when I don't want it, He's standing at the ready to protect me. Hold me. Love me.

Jesus is like my own super stalker.

Mission of Ministry

The missions trip is ending, and we are nearing sweet home Chicago as I type. Reflection time…

As I think back on the trip, I recognize that I didn’t grow as much as I had hoped throughout the course of this past week. I’m not saying that God didn’t work in my life, but it wasn’t like I had expected. He did teach me a humbling lesson regarding ministry. I feel like I now have a much better idea of what ministry is like and how it should look.

I would like to split this blog into two parts by looking at what ministry is and what it is not.

Ministry is a selfless act that places the target group ahead of one’s own needs, concerns, and overall welfare. Christ was the ultimate servant, and if His ministry isn’t a perfect example, then I don’t know what is. His ministry was all about how He could help people. How to serve people. How to love people. He didn’t grow as much in His ministry as His followers did.

I can resonate with that now that after this trip.

After spending a week seeking God’s lessons in my life, I realized that my lesson was a lack of lesson. That is, I learned this lesson of what being a minister truly looks like. I didn’t grow much on the trip, but the students did. And that’s really all that matters.

Really.

Ministry is all about giving of oneself to better another’s faith. Whether it’s sacrificing pride, time, or lots of sweat in the Arizona heat, ministers sacrifice for others. I spent the majority of my week trying to plan out ways to best allow for a positive experience for these student, nd, through the grace of God, the students were changed. But this kept me from being able to grow a lot personally because I was helping students in their growth.

That being said, ministry is not about fame. It’s not about fortune. It’s not about how many people are in the crowd, how many souls I can tally up in my conversion count, how many churches want me to work for them.

It’s about Christ.

It’s about others.

I used to, and still do, look forward to leading large worship sets for large crowds. I dream of speaking to huge audiences and becoming this famous Christ follower who tours the globe leading worship and teaching others. I love teaching, because I get to speak in front of people. Let’s be honest, I love attention.

But that’s not what ministry is about.

I spent the week refocusing my priorities, my motives, and my reasoning. I’m trying to put into practice this idea of service. Of selflessness. Of love. No more alternative motives, no more selfish desires, and no more pride.

I’ve been in a ministry of making a name for myself.

I’m going into a ministry of making a name for God.

Diversty

Yeah, that's right.

A blog on diversity.

To all of my fellow TCC Students, I'm sorry if this seems absurd to you, but I think it's worth checking this out.

To continue, I want to apologize to anyone who may start to be offended by this blog. Please read it all the way through before you have a problem with it. Then, please feel encouraged to comment/contact me if you still would like to discuss it.

For those of you who don't know, diversity is a hot topic on my college campus. The higher-ups, teachers, spiritual leaders, and student clubs all love the idea of diversity.

That being said, it has become an odd feeling of fakeness. Diversity is so encouraged that it almost feels forced and unnatural. I fear that it turns some students off to the idea, including myself.

That being said, I can honestly say that I have experienced a truely diverse setting, and it is pheonomenal. Honestly.

Out here in Phoenix, there are Hispanic people. Black people. Barundi people. White people. Vietnamese people. And they all come together under one church building.

It's so amazing to see what God had intended for us when He called us to come together as one body. It's so awesome to see the continued communication and worship despite cultural differences.

But it's close to bed time, and I just found out I am probably going to get swine flu soon. Awesome....